


Dear Sammy

by WhispersInTheWing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Amputation, Car Accidents, Foreign Language, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Mild Language, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 16:04:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1863870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhispersInTheWing/pseuds/WhispersInTheWing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his father's death, Dean Winchester decided to follow in his footsteps and join the United States Marines. In his second tour of duty, Dean meets Private Adam Milligan, and he takes the young man under his wing, vowing to protect him no matter what. Through it all, Dean writes letters to Sam, his little brother back home in Lawrence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. March 28th, 2013

**Author's Note:**

> This work is written entirely in letters from Dean to Sammy. A month passes between letters (as a time reference).

_Dear Sammy:_

_I made it. I’m here in Indonesia, riding in a Blackhawk helicopter on my way to meet my Battalion. I’m gonna be a Timber wolf. A Timber wolf, isn’t that awesome? I know they’re your favorite animal. I miss you already buddy. Try not to give Bobby too much trouble while I’m gone. You know how he is. You know how he gets sometimes. I hope school is going good for you Sammy, though I know you won’t have any problems. You’ve always been the bookworm of the family … I’m just the muscle. And the good looks. :) Things are going to be hard for you at home, but you’re strong. You can do it Sammy. Good luck with all your soccer games. Kick some ass for me. I’m proud of you … never ever forget that. Promise me?_

_Tell mom and dad I said hi. Tell them I love them both and miss them more than words can begin to say. I never thought I’d miss Kansas so much, but I do. I miss our house. I miss spending the weekends with Bobby at the salvage yard. I miss staying up all hours of the night just talking. I miss sneaking cookies when we both thought dad was sleeping. I miss the times when we got to just be kids. And most of all … I miss you Sammy._

_I know you wanted to be there to see me off at the airport. I wanted you to be there too. But it would’ve been too hard to say goodbye. I didn’t want you to see me cry. And if you were there, I would’ve changed my mind. But I couldn’t let that happen. I need to figure out my place in this world. I need to figure out my destiny. I need to find out what I was put on this Earth to do. I hope you understand Sammy. None of this was your fault. I didn’t do this to hurt you. I didn’t make the decision to leave because I don’t love you. I didn’t do this to run away from you or dad. I did this because of you; because I want you to be proud of me again. I want you to be proud of your brother._

_I love you Sammy._

_Your big brother,_

_Lance Corporal Dean Winchester, 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, United States Marine Corps_


	2. April 29th, 2013

_Dear Sammy:_

_Today was the hardest day of my life. My battalion was sent to the front lines for the first time. You would think being a hunter would’ve prepared me for battle, but nothing can prepare you for the sheer terror of walking straight into Hell. Nothing can prepare you for watching your fellow soldiers fall. I can still hear the staccato cracks of gunfire. It’s nothing like the sound of gunfire when taking down a Werewolf or a Windigo. It’s sharper, more violent; like a million small explosions going off at once._

_I miss you Sammy. I saw a civilian, a little boy who reminded me so much of you. He had the same shaggy brown hair and limbs too long for his own good. His name is impossible for me to pronounce, so I’ve taken to calling him Lee. He’s 12 years old and he hangs around the camp these days. Some of the other soldiers and I have taken to playing with him during our down time. He seems to really like me. I don’t think he has any family. They were probably gunned down in the crossfire. I’ve been looking out for him Sammy. Somebody has to. And I know you’d want me to. Just another thing I love about my baby brother. You always put others before yourself._

_I think you’d really like him Sammy. He always wants to hear stories about you and of home. Lee has been trying to teach me to speak and write Indonesian too. Trying being the key word here because believe it or not, it’s harder than when we had to learn Latin. I don’t know very many words yet, but I promise to keep working hard so I can impress you when I get home. The only words I’ve learned so far are keluarga, adik, kakak, ayah, and ibu. They mean family, little brother, big brother, father and mother. And don’t worry Sammy, I’ll teach you everything I know when I get back._

_Aku mencintaimu adik. I love you little brother._

_Your big brother,_

_Lance Corporal Dean Winchester, 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, United States Marine Corps._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, that is real Indonesian :) I don't speak Indonesian, I just google translated it :P


	3. July 4th, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know in the beginning I said that a month passes between each letter, but you'll understand why there is such a big gap once you read this letter.

_Dear Sammy:_

_I miss you. More than anything else about home … you’re the one thing I miss most of all. Whenever it seems like I can’t go on anymore, whenever the screams of the dying embed themselves in my brain and I can’t shake them out, you keep me going. What keeps me going is the knowledge that you’re waiting back home in Lawrence for me. That when I get home, you’ll be standing on the front porch with that toothy grin on your face, practically bouncing for joy. I feel that way too._

_I keep your picture propped up on my duffel bag beside my cot, so that you’re the first thing I see in the morning, and the last thing I see at night._

_I’m sorry Sammy. I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I left you after I promised dad I would look after you. There are times where I feel like I failed him, like I let him down by not continuing with the family business. But I just couldn’t do it Sammy. I couldn’t hunt down the things that go bump in the night anymore. Everywhere I looked I saw dad; every job and every crappy motel room. I’m sorry Sammy._

_I promise I’ll be home soon. There was an explosion near camp and a bunch of us got injured, so they’re sending us home early. I … I lost my leg in the explosion. I was in so much pain I could barely stay awake during the day, so that’s why I didn’t write these past few months. The other guys in camp are getting sick of me now, because I won’t stop talking about you. They know everything about my brave little brother Sammy, who didn’t shed a single tear when he fell off the playground and broke his leg; who didn’t get scared when he accidentally locked himself in the trunk of the Impala while playing hide and seek._

_I’m proud of you Sammy. Never forget that. We may fight and say things we regret later, but never forget that I’m so, so, so proud of you. I miss you so much Sammy. I don’t know what I was thinking joining the Marines. I guess I wanted to make dad proud one last time. Do you think he’d be proud of me Sammy? I like to think he is. Are you proud of me?_

_I love you Sammy._

_Your big brother,_

_Lance Corporal Dean Winchester, 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, United States Marine Corps_


	4. December 25th, 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last letter, where everything gets answered. But it starts off differently, but it makes sense. Bear with me.

Dean put the Impala in park and shut off the engine, letting out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. It had been over 5 months since he'd returned home from Indonesia, and had spent that time in the Veteran's Hospital in D.C., recovering from the blast that took his leg. Bobby visited him from time to time, but after dodging yet another glass thrown at his head in frustration, he stopped visiting. Dean was struggling with not only the loss of a limb, but with the memories that continued to assault his mind and delay his rehab.

He got out of the car, grabbing his cane from the passenger seat. He hated that he still needed to use the thing, but he had balance issues with his prosthetic leg. He sighed, shutting the car door behind him. He limped down the small pathway, eyes scanning the headstones as he passed. He hadn't visited his mother's grave in years, nor had he ever visited his dad, who now rested eternally beside her. Then he spotted them, at the top of the hill beneath a cherry tree. The cemetery was quiet, nothing but birdsong in the air. It seemed only fitting to visit his parents on Christmas, a day he never truly got to celebrate as a child. His boots crunched through the snow as he slowly but surely made his way to the graves.

"Hey mom," Dean said as he stood in front of the headstones. "I'm sorry I haven't been by lately. I uh, I joined the Marines a few years ago; followed in dad's footsteps. I know you'd be proud of me mom." Dean paused, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I wish I could tell you that nothing went wrong, but you know I wouldn't be a Winchester without getting hurt. There was an explosion ... and I lost my left leg below the knee. I've been in rehab for 5 months. I miss you."

Dean turned to the headstone resting between his mother and father. He stared at the name etched in the stone until he could no longer read it through the tears. "Sammy," Dean cried. He cried loud, heart-wrenching sobs, not caring if anyone heard or saw him. His shoulders shook and his chest tightened until he felt he would shatter into a million pieces. He yanked his prosthetic off and fell to his knees in front of Sammy's grave. Dean pulled a folded piece of paper from his jacket pocket and unfolded it. He could barely read the letter clutched in his trembling hand, but he took a deep breath and began to read:

_"Dear Sammy:_

_I wish I didn’t have to write this letter. It just makes this all too real. But the therapists at the Veterans hospital think that this will help me, that this will help me heal. But I know what they’re trying to do. They’re trying to get me to let you go; to let your memory fade away. I won’t let them! They can’t make me say goodbye! I won’t say goodbye Sammy! You’re the only thing that’s keeping me sane anymore. You’re the only thing keeping the nightmares at bay. And if I let you go and move on, then it’s like I’m forgiving dad for what happened. And I will never forgive dad for that. He screwed up. He screwed up and took away the only thing that meant anything to me … you._

_I remember that day like it was yesterday. Dad and I got into another argument about something stupid. He wanted to ship you off to live with Pastor Jim until you were old enough to come along on hunts with us. I wanted you to stay with us; to travel with us so that you wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t tell dad that the real reason I didn’t want him to send you away, was because I was the only reason you ever got a good night’s sleep. That you were so plagued by nightmares of things you couldn’t control, that you’d wake up crying in the middle of the night and I was there to comfort you; to tell you that the monsters wouldn’t get you as long as I was around._

_Dad never listened to us though. Instead, in classic John Winchester fashion … he got drunk. Sloppy, don’t give a damn drunk. I should’ve tried harder to stop him from getting behind the wheel. I should’ve gotten up and shaken off the right hook to my jaw and yanked the keys from his hands. Or at least I should’ve yanked you from the passenger seat. I should’ve called the cops and reported his ass, but I knew they would take you away from me if I did._

_I’m sorry Sammy. God I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there with you. I should’ve demanded that dad wait until he sobered up before taking you to Pastor Jim’s. I should’ve been a better big brother to you. I’m sorry Sammy._

_I’ll never forget what happened next. It’ll haunt me for the rest of my life. I hotwired a car and chased after the Impala. I prayed that dad would realize the mistake he was making and pull over before something happened. But we both know that God doesn’t listen to the Winchesters. I saw it happen. I watched helplessly as the Impala swerved into oncoming traffic, and then overcompensated at the last second, flying off the road and wrapping around a tree. I remember screaming so loud, until my throat was hoarse and raw. I slammed on the brakes and jumped from the car, leaving it idling in the middle of the road. I couldn’t think of anything else but getting to you and praying you were okay._

_But you weren’t. I remember that I didn’t even check to see if dad was alive, I didn’t care if he was or not. You were the only thing that I cared about. There was so much blood. Too much blood spilled for you to be okay. The front end of the Impala was too crumpled in on itself for you to be okay. I’m sorry you had to suffer Sammy. I’m sorry that you had to be in pain. I’m sorry. I still have nightmares of pulling you from the smoking wreckage and laying you down gently in the grass nearby. Your face still fills my head when I close my eyes. Your cries of pain still fill my ears when I’m alone._

_I remember you opening your eyes and looking up at me; reaching up with a mangled hand and touching my cheek, letting me know without words that you forgave me. I wish I could forgive myself. You’re the best little brother a guy could ask for, and I’m sorry our time together was cut so short. I will never forgive dad for the crash. He walked away without a scratch and you died. You were only 12! At least you didn’t die alone. Do you remember me being there with you? I hope you do. I worry all the time that you didn’t know I was there with you, and that you died alone._

_Aku mencintaimu adik. I love you little brother; Forever and Always._

_Your big brother,_

_Lance Corporal Dean Winchester, Retired United States Marine Corps"_

Dean folded the letter up and placed it beside the other letters he had written while overseas. He was glad Bobby had remembered to deliver the letters to Sammy like he'd asked. He brushed his fingers over Sam's name, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry Sammy. We'll be together again soon." Dean reached into the waistband of his jeans, pulling out his pearl handled .45. He cocked the hammer and brought it to his temple, closing his eyes with a sad smile.

The gunshot rang through the silent air.


End file.
